"Climb the wall to make the sun rise in time.."

I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am with my eating/exercising the last few days. We finallllyy got a gym in our building, one that the owners have been promising for awhile. So I've gone down everyday and ran on the treatmill for an hour, doing interval training and burning about 450 cals. Ive consistently kept my intake under 300 except for yesterday, I had about 500 but I think I deserved that much, so I don't feel guilty.

Todays Intake
B - handfull of blueberries - 20
L/D - half a weightwatchers bagel
w/ low fat cream cheese and smoked salmon - 180

I'll probably have either a handful of trail mix or yogurt with half a banana later depending on how hungry I get

I hope youre all having fantastic days aswell

I haven't been on here since the beginning of September and even then it was for a very short while. I used to be so concentrated on my eating and I knew the exact number of calories I had consumed/burned a day but since coming to university and living on my own I've just thrown it all out the window. I thought I would be able to continue but apparently not. The only time I've really been able to work on it was over the Christmas holidays. My mom bought me a gym membership for the 3 weeks I was home and I went about 5 days a week and was careful about what I ate. I lost about 5 pounds in those 3 weeks but since coming back to school I'm pretty sure I've put it back on. I'm not out of control or anything but I'm definately not where I'd like it be. No where near actually...

I want to be nothing. Not possible, I know. But I feel like if I get my eating and weight under control then maybe I could get my whole life under control. I only got 3 credits last term, so I failed 2. I'm in 5 again this term and 3 of those I haven't been to one class for. I really do plan on getting on top of it all. I want to be a lawyer, but I know thats impossible now unless I devoted my whole life to school. I only need really good marks for my last 2 years of school so I do have time but unless I can do a huge turn around, I doubt it.

Current Weight: 115
Month Goal Weight: 107
Ultimate Goal Weight: 90

Todays Intake
Tea - 20
Orange Juice - 200
Sauteed onions and peppers with olive oil - 120
Handfull of Blueberries - 20

Total: TBA

Yesterdays Intake
Muffin - 115
2 Chocolate Peanut Butter Squares - 930
Orange Juice - 200

Total: 1245

I kept getting sick in the fall so I went to see an immunologist over the holidays and they took blood tests and told me a bunch of vitamins to take. So far all its done is make me break out. One of them is an immuno detox so its pushing all the toxins out, kind of annoying. But atleast I'm getting the vitamins and minerals that I don't get when I do all my sketchy eating habits. As you can see, yesterday I had a bit of a binge. I hadn't eatten all day and then my roomate and I smoked a bunch of weed. I hate when I do that. This weekend I'm doing mdma though, so atleast then I won't eat for about 2 days.

DEFINATELY fasting tomorrow

Anyways - I need to catch up on all of your blog entries. Can't wait to get to know all of you again.

I'm doing really well on the eating front, I don't have a scale so I can't accurately tell my progress but my stomach is getting considerably less flabby and I've kept my eating to about 400 calories a day, usually healthy food. Plus I've been drinking a lot of water. I'm almost over my pneumonia, which I'm happy about.

But anyways, I just really need to vent about some guy issues, I don't even care if no one reads this, I just need to get it out of my system somewhere.

Its a long story so I'll start from the beginning. I came out here to look for an apartment with 2 of my friends in the beginning of July and once we found a place we couldn't decide on who would get what room so we went up to a random (hot) guy at starbucks with papers that said 1 2 and 3 on them and we had decided which room corresponded with which number beforehand. So he picked them and I got the smallest room and that was that. Then we went out that night and we ran into him and we talked a bit and exchanged numbers and he said to call him when I move here in September. I got impatient and texted him a couple weeks later about how I was still upset about him giving me the smallest room, just being a little flirtatious and he said he had to make it up to me and we texted back and forth up until I came and it was all pretty sexual, so I was well aware he wanted to have sex and figured he could be a fuck buddy, probably nothing more. Even when I was trying to have a normal conversation with him hed always include sexual inuendos. So when I moved here I got pneumonia and didn't want to make him sick so I told him we should wait to hang out, which we did. Then one night at about 1am he asked me to go for a walk with him and I couldn't sleep so I decided to. We met up, I gave him a hug and we started walking and talking and he told me a bunch of stuff about himself. Like the fact that hes 27 (Im 19) and he has a 5 year old child and was married up until last year. Hes from Ireland and moved here to be with this woman. He talked about his job, hes a creative consultant amongst other things and I found him so interesting and I really really liked him straight off the bat. He walked me back to my apartment and then I ended up walking him to his car because we couldnt stop talking so he offered to drive me back to my apartment but he said I had to give him a hug first lol. I figured he would kiss me, but he didn't. So he dropped me off and that was that. The next day he asked if I'd like to come over to his new apartment that night and I agreed to. I got a nice bottle of wine and he picked me up and we went over there. On the way he told me he had to finish a design that night so he couldn't be with me for long. We got up to the apartment and had a couple glasses of wine and talked, we seem to be able to talk really well and he always gives me compliments, he seems really into me. So an hour later he says he has to go and drives me home, I give him a hug and again he doesn't try anything. When I get to my apartment my roomates have people over for a pre drink and say since I'm back so early I should come to the bar so I lied and said he was coming back after he finished his design since I really didn't feel like going out and drinking a ton and coming home with a bloated gross stomach. I texted him and told him how I used him as an excuse to not going out but said that I really wish he were coming back and he replied that he could, it would take him about an hour. So my roomates come back because one of them are way too drunk to be at the bars and they go to bed and when he texts me an hour and a half later to say hes done I tell him my roomates are back but that he should come anyways and he asked how he was supposed to get a good hug if they were home and I replied they had gone to bed. Its now about 1am and I'm waiting and waiting and he never comes and never texts me. I was actually so furious and frusterated. In the morning theres still no texts and I text him asking what happened last night and he said "I fell asleep - argh! I really wanted that hug" not even a sorry! I said to him Now youve got another thing to make up to me. Im interested in when you actually do...
I'm just so frusterated, what does this guy want?? I thought all he was interested in was sex at first and then we started talking and he was just a gentleman and so nice and then I basically offer myself up on a platter and he falls asleep at the thought?? If he wanted sex with me that bad youd think he would force himself to stay awake and if he was really the gentleman hes making himself out to be he would have atleast said sorry. I don't know what to think. I'm probably setting myself up for disaster.

It feels so much better to get that out though...